Confused about who to support for the world cup?

So some of you out there might be confused about which team you will be supporting during the world cup. Everyone needs a team, right? Well I thought I would come up with a set of rules for you to follow if you are interested in not looking like a douchebag in front of more serious soccer fans or even worse, foreigners.

1: If you are from the US, you are rooting for the US. At least until we get knocked out, which will either be in the group stage or shortly thereafter. Look, the citizens of every other country in the rest of the world view soccer not as an issue of life or death, but as something much more serious. Take some national pride, even if we aren't quite up to speed yet. (Don't even get me started on how many WC's the U.S. would've won if our best athletes played soccer. Can you imagine Lebron running at some poor small Spanish defender?)

I'll be rooting for the US, even though my favorite team is English (lifelong Arsenal fan,) and my favorite player is very, very french (Thierry Henry)

No excuses for this one really.

Now that we have that out of the way, some other rules as applies to indivdual matches:

Teams to root against: Germany, Argentina, Italy
Teams to root for: England, African teams, Iran

Why? The Germans are annoying, and it's especially fun to root against them when they play teams like Poland, England and France. They aren't that good, but they get a huge benefit by playing at home. (See: U.S. in 1994)

The Argentinians are basically the opposite of Brazil. They play tough and ugly, and have several players with ponytails

The Italians are the easiest to root against. Why? Italian soccer on a whole is boring. I'm not debating this, it's a fact. Too tactical, too defensive, too much whining and diving. Too many ponytails... It's just bad. Trust me.

Why are we rooting for England, African teams, and Iran? The country that invented the sport (England) has won its most prestigeous trophy exactly once. That was 40 years ago. They are also hampered by the fact that they tend to pick their team based on reputation and not skill (The reason Beckham is captain and Owen will start.) It's tough to win when you are constantly playing your 3rd or 4th best possible team.

African teams are fun. They play a fun attacking style. They have players you've never heard of, with sometimes hilariously funny names or nicknames (It's a translational thing). this year, the nations are generally small and poor, which makes it the month of a century for these people(see: Togo, or Ivory Coast if you can find them). Overall, nothing to lose in rooting for Togo or Angola to upset one of the big boys.

Iran: Who doesn't want to see Iran-U.S.? Seriously. (Not going to happen, but hey)

Additional rules:

If country X is playing and you are in a public place (pub or whatever) and everyone around is wearing jersey of country X or speaking the language spoken in country X you have three choices:

1. Root for country X very, very loudly
2: Watch the game in perfect silence. (Not even a fist pump)
3: Leave

You aren't going to root for the other team in this situation for any reason other than you are suicidal. Remember, this isn't like wearing a Yankee hat into Fenway. This would be more like wearing a Yankee uniform in Alabama in 1863.

Games involving the favorites:

Rooting for Brazil is only acceptable in the following circumstances:

1: They are playing Germany
2: The only teams remaining are Italy, Argentina and Germany
3: You have met a really, really hot Brazilian chick
4: Brazil is country X from above

Games involving the hosts:

When Germany is playing England, France, Poland, the U.S., Italy or Japan, or Argentina, please feel free to make as many jokes as possible in 90 minutes. (During qualification I was rooting very hard for Israel to qualify. They were close.)

Pick a second team:

I know this seems weird, but if you are American, pick a second team! Pick a country that really cares about soccer. (England is always a good choice, they tend to hate us the least.) It's fun to share in the ridiculous swings of emotions entire nations feel with every goal. Just remember, during most of the World Cup, you will be sitting at your desk. The rest of the world will be sitting in front of their TV's. Outside the US, The WC will be the lead story on every news cast, and on the front page of every newspaper


Tomorrow: laying out the groundrules for the hooligan standings!